So drunk its hurt
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
