I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
