what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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