Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
