so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
