I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
