ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You left your underwear on the fireplace
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
