I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
