I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
