we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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