Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
