shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize