one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You made out with two different species that night
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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