I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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