ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
