plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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