Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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