My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
