The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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