Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
