I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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