the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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