Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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