Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Randomize
