Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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