Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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