why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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