I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
