I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I bet he comes in French.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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