Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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