she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
