That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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