I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
