Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
