i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
