she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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