you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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