I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Randomize
