i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
