The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
