I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
