swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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