dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize