I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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