Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
