Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
