Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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