Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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