As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
