I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
