i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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