If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
