Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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