He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
