I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
