took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
