I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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