she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
