Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize