Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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